Sucks sometimes, doesn't it? It's 4.42am. We had people round yesterday (12 adults, seven children), it was so hot (hottest Australia Day in 20 years, apparently) & humid I felt like a damp rag all day, I couldn't even stand the thought of earrings (and if you know me, you'll know how serious that is) and I changed clothes twice before the guests arrived because I was a damp and floppy mess.
So, the thing is that I'm really tired - all the prep required to feed 19 people, the organisation, getting everybody to eat some salad (go Ryan!), the cleanup... but they were all gone by 6.30pm, mostly because today is a work day (for nearly everybody) & I fell asleep on the sofa afterwards until the cricket finished (we lost) and Mr Golightly dragged me to bed (by the hair, whoo hoo).
So, if I'm so tired, why am I up at 4.46am? I'm up at 4.46am because somebody said something thoughtless to me (no, not one of my guests) and it's churning rounding in my brain, and stopping me from sleeping. It's one of those things that you can't bring up with the thoughtless person to discuss, because that will just cause angst and unpleasantness, at a time when those two are definitely unwelcome in our houses. It's one of those things you just have to leave churning, wait for your brain to process it, and catch up on your sleep later in the day.
Also, there are times when trying to explain or clarify just makes you look defensive, and when the person you love most in the world assures you that it wasn't your doing, you realise you don't have to defend or explain. You just have to let it go. And that's hard, sometimes. Especially when you thought you'd reached a place where the thoughtless remark would no longer occur. And that's why life sucks. Because no matter what lengths you go to, what extremes, how much you put your own life on hold, how selfless you are, the thoughtless remark will always do its evil work and reduce you back to the role of 'not quite good enough'.
And that's why I'm awake at 4.58am, still trying to be good enough. Now, back to bed, Gentle Readers and try to sleep.